At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
