can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
