So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Randomize
