Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
