I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
operation harelip BJ is a go
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Randomize
