I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
