the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
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Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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