Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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