wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
