The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
