accomplished twins. life is a go
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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