I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
