can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
