someone owes me an orgasm
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
