Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
