oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
