I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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