I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
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