It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
