sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
