I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Randomize
