I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
