Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
