Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
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I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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