i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Randomize
