Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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