I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
