you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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