Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Randomize
