so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
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