onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
