fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
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