The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
3pm strippers are depressing
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
