So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
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