Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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