I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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