Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Randomize
