You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
