Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
