i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
