I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
