I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
