Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
