This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
