Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
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