but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
