My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
do herpes really smell.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
