Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
