I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
The uberlube is also flammable
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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