I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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