I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Randomize
