What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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