I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
