So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
