sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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