I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
