Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
