don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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