Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
